Can Someone Explain ‘Twilight’ To Me ?

I don’t get it.

I’ve looked at it from every angle I could think of, put myself in the shoes of others and suspended all the disbelief I could afford and then some, but I’m finally prepared to admit defeat. I don’t get it.

I don’t understand “Twilight.”

I don’t understand the popularity. I don’t understand why it seems to have captured the imagination of a generation the way Harry Potter did. I especially don’t understand it because, from what I’ve seen, it’s just not very good.

I’m in no way a snob about the genre; I own all seven seasons of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and all five seasons of “Angel.” That’s 12 seasons of vampire-with-a-soul angst, female empowerment and doomed love, punctuated with scenes of ass kicking. I really enjoy HBO’s “True Blood,” which covers much the same ground (although it bugs me that when the vamps show their “game face,” the wrong teeth turn into fangs). So, if I’m familiar with (and not hostile to) this type of subject matter, why am I so perplexed with this one?

Zombieland — Nothin’ but fun

The plot: The zombie apocalypse has occurred, and bands of survivors are out there surviving in the ruined landscape of America (and presumably the rest of the world). That’s pretty much it. It’s a zombie movie. It’s the journey, not the destination, because there are zombies pretty much everywhere at this point.

The verdict: This movie is fun, pure and simple. It never takes itself too seriously, with worrying about how the zombie virus came from, or dealing with the existential dread that the world is ending. The characters in this movie are loners by nature, and do very well for themselves because of it (also, there are lessons on the value of proper cardio training when there’s the distinct possibility you’re going to be chased by flesh-eating ghouls at any moment).

The movie plays out like kind of like the video game “Dead Rising” (which was itself based on “Dawn of the Dead”), and I mean that in the best possible way, because “Dead Rising” rocked. Thematically, the film is reminiscent of “Shaun of the Dead,” but a much-more Americanized version of it (complete with “zombie apocalypses are no time to be stingy when it comes to ammunition” lessons). There’s not as much gore as you might expect, although my wife might disagree with that statement (she’s more of a “traveling pants” kinda gal, whereas I think that film would have been much better if the pants would have traveled of their own volition across the countryside, but I digress). All the actors in general, and Woody Harrelson in particular, seem to be having a great time, and it translates to the audience very nicely. I’m already waiting for the sequel, and if they’d like to make a really good video game from this film, I’d be down with that, too. Who doesn’t like zombies (in theory)?

Interesting Tidbits:

• The idea of “Zombieland” was intended to be a pilot for a television series, and was sold as a spec script for CBS (!) in 2005. The first third of the film was to be the first episode, and the remainder would have been the second episode. When CBS chose to pass on the idea (sure, Angela Lansbury can stumble across upwards of 200 corpses in “Murder She Wrote,” but zombies every week would be too much, I suppose). Sony TV picked up the idea as a two-hour made-for-TV film back-door pilot, but the idea would have been too big for that, so a full-fledged film was commissioned. The “Zombie Kill of the Week” was a leftover from the proposed television series. I’ve heard far worse ideas, and seen far worse shows on television; seriously, step away from the vampires, people.

• Not to give away the celebrity cameo, but the writers thought of using Patrick Swazye (which would have been a really unfortunate turn of event for the filmmakers), Mark Hamill and Jean Claude Van Damme (one of the lines would have been “Hey! WWJCVDD?”)

• Why does the amusement park at the end still have power? Well, the film is set out west (although it was actually filmed in Georgia), and Hoover Dam would provide power for that area for about three years without human intervention.

The Informant! — The Fix Is Out

The plot: Afraid that he would be brought down if it came to light, Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon, playing the role with a decidedly un-Bourne-like pudginess), a mid-level manager at the agri-business giant Archer Daniels Midland, decides to come forward to the FBI with allegations of international price-fixing himself. From late 1991 to 1996 Whitacre gleefully turns informant for the FBI to bring down ADM, collecting hundreds of hours on tape and surpassing the wildest expectations of his federal contacts (the always straight-laced Scott Bakula and a surprisingly straight-laced Joel McHale). In the process, however, Whitacre brings to light not only the price-fixing information, but a slew of other crimes that muddy the waters for everyone concerned.

The verdict: This is one of those stories that, if it weren’t based in truth, it would fall apart because no one would buy these characters. It’s a good movie, but the marketing was pretty inaccurate. From the trailers and commercials (and even the poster), you would think this film is going to be a laugh-a-minute farce into the world of big business; it’s almost a character study of a fascinatingly flawed man, and if he’s behaving because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, or because he just can’t help himself. While there’s humor in it, it’s not as overstated as you might be expecting. That’s the key to enjoying this film – don’t go in expecting what you’re expecting, and you should have a fine time.

Interesting Tidbits:

• In 2000, the NPR program “This American Life” spent an hour speaking with Kurt Eichenwald, who wrote the book The Informant ( A True Story), which this movie is based upon. Listen to “The Fix Is In” here.

• Screenwriter Scott Z. Burns also wrote the screenplay for “The Bourne Ultimatum,” also staring Damon. These are two very, very different movies. Not an explosion or a shakey-cam shot to be had here.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

My lovely wife and I just returned from a visit to our nation’s capital. I hadn’t been since the eighth grade field trip, and no one was gonna tell me what to do this time, by gum! Since I can’t show you our home movies (primarily because you wouldn’t watch our home movies), here’s some the highlights, Internet Siteseeing-style.

Travel

• When I took Maggie, our lab/beagle (or beagledore) to the vet for boarding, I realized that I was going to be one of those parents when their kid goes to school for the first time. I felt like I was betraying her as they took her down the hall. Apparently, she had a fine time, though.

• The Louisville International Airport has the most amazing Dyson hand dryers in the restrooms. They really do dry off your hands in 10 seconds. Design-wise, Dyson is the Apple of things that blow and suck.

• On both legs of the trip, we sat towards the rear of the airplane, behind the wings. This is a good news/bad news thing. On the plus side, I can look out the window and make sure at least one of the wings is still attached to the plane. On the down side, those wings wobble a disconcerting amount, especially during some turbulence.

• Dulles International Airport is nowhere near Washington DC. Don’t let ‘em tell you different. Watching the cab fare go up and up and up isn’t the most relaxing way to start your vacation.

Downtown DC

• Downtown Washington DC is one of the cleanest, nicest urban areas I’ve ever seen. I don’t know that I saw a spot of trash where it shouldn’t be. Old buildings were classy, not dilapidated. There was only one thing I noticed:

• Washington DC has a huge homeless problem. There was a small park outside of our hotel where in the evening about 10 people slept. This was four blocks away from the White House. We walked to find breakfast on Saturday morning, and in almost every nook and cranny you could fit a person in, there was a person.

• We stayed a block away from the embassies of both Mexico and Uruguay.  I always imagined that embassies had big courtyards that you could run into and request political refuge, if the need struck you. These were like storefronts. They were both next to much bigger, much nicer banks. It was a bit disillusioning.

• You can practically stumble across history in the town. We went to the Hard Rock Café one night (several people mentioned that I should try the Ethiopian food in the city, but I gotta be me), and as we were walking out, we noticed that Ford’s Theater (of “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” fame) was right next door. One of Prince’s guitars is less than 100 yards away from one of the great crime scenes in American history, and I don’t mean “Graffiti Bridge.”

The Mall

• While we were walking along the Reflecting Pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, we met a woman dipping her toes in. Considering the vast amount of duck poo that coats the Pool’s concrete bank (they never show that in the official photos), it was kinda gross. She asked us how deep we thought the pool was, to which I honestly answered “I don’t know.” I knew immediately that I had just missed an opportunity. Had I answered “Ankle deep, I think,” we all could have found out for sure just how deep it was.

• Washington must be one of the most photographed places on the planet. Since everywhere you go there’s an amazing site, there are people taking photos everywhere you go. If you’re trying to stay low profile, DC probably isn’t the place for you — you’ll always be in someone’s shot. Eventually, I just gave up and started taking photos of people taking photos. My favorite was of four guys trying to get their photo taken in front of the Washington Monument doing the “YMCA” in mid-air. The guy taking the photo was having problems getting the shot. I didn’t.

The Metro

• Since we flew in and didn’t rent a car, we depended on our feet and the Metro system to get us around Washington DC. The Metro system is very clean, convenient, fast and easy to use, and wasn’t that expensive. It’s a shame that it’s apparently losing money hand over fist. It did made me rethink my whole opinion on public transportation. Maybe it’s not just for hippies, vagrants and vagrant hippies after all.

The Smithsonian

• Ah, America’s attic. We were able to hit the American History museum and the Air & Space museum. There were a lot of hands-on exhibits, so of course my mind goes right to Swine Flu fears. I remember from my eighth-grade trip that the prop U.S.S. Enterprise was at the Smithsonian, so I wanted to see it. Unfortunately, when we asked someone where it was, he seemed disappointed that we were asking about a fictional ship — and he made sure we knew that it wasn’t real. Glad he cleared that up for us.

• In the Air & Space Museum, I got to touch a sliver of moonrock. Swine Flu be damned, I touched a piece of the Moon. Besides, if I get the flu from a moonrock, don’t I automatically get superpowers?

The Wall

• The Vietnam Memorial wall was built just after my eighth grade trip. I’ve of course seen it on TV and read about it, but it really is powerful when you get right up to it and see it with your own eyes, and get a feel of just how much 53,000+ really is. A parks department volunteer guide, who was himself a Vietnam Vet (three tours), was stationed at the wall, answering questions. He showed me a spot to take photos where the reflection of the Washington Monument made for a nice shot, and gave me, and others around me, some history and interesting tidbits. Probably the most powerful point of the whole thing was a simple exchange between him and an older man wearing a cap with the Marine symbol on it. “Welcome home, Marine,” he said. The man returned a quick salute with a simple “Thank you.” He then looked at the panel next to me, found a name, and slowly ran his thumb across it. I didn’t take the photo.

The Jackholes

• I’m cynical by nature, but I have respect for certain things, like memorials. The Vietnam Memorial. The World War II Memorial. These structures are there to remind us the sacrifice others made to allow future generations their freedoms. So, when you find the name of your state in the World War II Memorial (they’re all there), don’t have your buddies take your picture throwing faux gang signs and making goofy faces. When you’re at the Vietnam Memorial, don’t hug the wall and have your buddy take a picture because the reflection looks cool. You’re not making art; you’re making yourself a jackhole. Cemetery rules apply: If you wouldn’t throw gang signs in a cemetery, don’t throw them there. If you would throw them in a cemetery, get the hell away from me.

The People

• One of the cool things about a city like DC is the people. We heard, we believe, English, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Hindi, Turkish, and several we didn’t recognize, along with English of different accents.

Things I learned

• I can spend nearly 24 hours a day for five days with my wife, and still miss her when I had to go to work the next day.

• Objects on a map appear closer than they really are when you have to walk your carcass from one end of the city to the other.

• When you bring a pair of sandals as your only footwear on what is primarily a walking vacation, make sure they won’t rip the skin off your toe or heel. Otherwise, you might have to rock socks and sandals for the bulk of your stay.

• I dress like a tourist no matter where I am, apparently. All I need is a map to complete the look.