What I Did on My Summer Vacation

My lovely wife and I just returned from a visit to our nation’s capital. I hadn’t been since the eighth grade field trip, and no one was gonna tell me what to do this time, by gum! Since I can’t show you our home movies (primarily because you wouldn’t watch our home movies), here’s some the highlights, Internet Siteseeing-style.

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Travel

• The Louisville International Airport has the most amazing Dyson hand dryers in the restrooms. They really do dry off your hands in 10 seconds. Design-wise, Dyson is the Apple of things that blow and suck.

• On both legs of the trip, we sat towards the rear of the airplane, behind the wings. This is a good news/bad news thing. On the plus side, I can look out the window and make sure at least one of the wings is still attached to the plane. On the down side, those wings wobble a disconcerting amount, especially during some turbulence.

• Dulles International Airport is nowhere near Washington DC. Don’t let ‘em tell you different. Watching the cab fare go up and up and up isn’t the most relaxing way to start your vacation.

Downtown DC

• Downtown Washington DC is one of the cleanest, nicest urban areas I’ve ever seen. I don’t know that I saw a spot of trash where it shouldn’t be. Old buildings were classy, not dilapidated. There was only one thing I noticed:

• Washington DC has a huge homeless problem. There was a small park outside of our hotel where in the evening about 10 people slept. This was four blocks away from the White House. We walked to find breakfast on Saturday morning, and in almost every nook and cranny you could fit a person in, there was a person.

• We stayed a block away from the embassies of both Mexico and Uruguay.  I always imagined that embassies had big courtyards that you could run into and request political refuge, if the need struck you. These were like storefronts. They were both next to much bigger, much nicer banks. It was a bit disillusioning.

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• You can practically stumble across history in the town. We went to the Hard Rock Café one night (several people mentioned that I should try the Ethiopian food in the city, but I gotta be me), and as we were walking out, we noticed that Ford’s Theater (of “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” fame) was right next door. One of Prince’s guitars is less than 100 yards away from one of the great crime scenes in American history, and I don’t mean “Graffiti Bridge.”

The Mall

• While we were walking along the Reflecting Pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, we met a woman dipping her toes in. Considering the vast amount of duck poo that coats the Pool’s concrete bank (they never show that in the official photos), it was kinda gross. She asked us how deep we thought the pool was, to which I honestly answered “I don’t know.” I knew immediately that I had just missed an opportunity. Had I answered “Ankle deep, I think,” we all could have found out for sure just how deep it was.

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• Washington must be one of the most photographed places on the planet. Since everywhere you go there’s an amazing site, there are people taking photos everywhere you go. If you’re trying to stay low profile, DC probably isn’t the place for you — you’ll always be in someone’s shot. Eventually, I just gave up and started taking photos of people taking photos. My favorite was of four guys trying to get their photo taken in front of the Washington Monument doing the “YMCA” in mid-air. The guy taking the photo was having problems getting the shot. I didn’t.

The Metro

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• Since we flew in and didn’t rent a car, we depended on our feet and the Metro system to get us around Washington DC. The Metro system is very clean, convenient, fast and easy to use, and wasn’t that expensive. It’s a shame that it’s apparently losing money hand over fist. It did made me rethink my whole opinion on public transportation. Maybe it’s not just for hippies, vagrants and vagrant hippies after all.

The Smithsonian
• Ah, America’s attic. We were able to hit the American History museum and the Air & Space museum. There were a lot of hands-on exhibits, so of course my mind goes right to Swine Flu fears. I remember from my eighth-grade trip that the prop U.S.S. Enterprise was at the Smithsonian, so I wanted to see it. Unfortunately, when we asked someone where it was, he seemed disappointed that we were asking about a fictional ship — and he made sure we knew that it wasn’t real. Glad he cleared that up for us.

• In the Air & Space Museum, I got to touch a sliver of moonrock. Swine Flu be damned, I touched a piece of the Moon. Besides, if I get the flu from a moonrock, don’t I automatically get superpowers?

The Wall

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• The Vietnam Memorial wall was built just after my eighth grade trip. I’ve of course seen it on TV and read about it, but it really is powerful when you get right up to it and see it with your own eyes, and get a feel of just how much 53,000+ really is. A parks department volunteer guide, who was himself a Vietnam Vet (three tours), was stationed at the wall, answering questions. He showed me a spot to take photos where the reflection of the Washington Monument made for a nice shot, and gave me, and others around me, some history and interesting tidbits. Probably the most powerful point of the whole thing was a simple exchange between him and an older man wearing a cap with the Marine symbol on it. “Welcome home, Marine,” he said. The man returned a quick salute with a simple “Thank you.” He then looked at the panel next to me, found a name, and slowly ran his thumb across it. I didn’t take the photo.

The Jackholes

• I’m cynical by nature, but I have respect for certain things, like memorials. The Vietnam Memorial. The World War II Memorial. These structures are there to remind us the sacrifice others made to allow future generations their freedoms. So, when you find the name of your state in the World War II Memorial (they’re all there), don’t have your buddies take your picture throwing faux gang signs and making goofy faces. When you’re at the Vietnam Memorial, don’t hug the wall and have your buddy take a picture because the reflection looks cool. You’re not making art; you’re making yourself a jackhole. Cemetery rules apply: If you wouldn’t throw gang signs in a cemetery, don’t throw them there. If you would throw them in a cemetery, get the hell away from me.

The People

• One of the cool things about a city like DC is the people. We heard, we believe, English, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Hindi, Turkish, and several we didn’t recognize, along with English of different accents.

Things I learned

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• I can spend nearly 24 hours a day for five days with my wife, and still miss her when I had to go to work the next day.

• Objects on a map appear closer than they really are when you have to walk your carcass from one end of the city to the other.

• When you bring a pair of sandals as your only footwear on what is primarily a walking vacation, make sure they won’t rip the skin off your toe or heel. Otherwise, you might have to rock socks and sandals for the bulk of your stay.

• I dress like a tourist no matter where I am, apparently. All I need is a map to complete the look.