Making Change for Nickelback … Before It’s Too Late

Okay, I’m not one to advocate the misuse, abuse or sloppy use of force, and war should never be declared without proper and overpowering cause. This being said, I’m ready to advocate that the United States attack Canada.

“Why,” you may ask? Aren’t they our less-troublesome partner on this continent? Aren’t they, as some say, America’s hat? Why would we attack our own hat? That’s madness.

I have one, 10-letter word that should very nearly make my argument for me: Nickleback.

Canada has finally gone too far. Like the frog in the pan of boiling water that dies because it didn’t notice the increasing temperature, we’ve become acclimated to Canada’s increasing hostilities. First, there was Bryan Adams in the 1980s. Looking back, that was more of a skirmish. An expeditionary force to test our resolve, if you will. The sad news is that we, my friends, were found lacking.

Emboldened by the distinct lack of American troops streaming across the border, the Canadians launched their next attack — Céline Marie Claudette Dion.

Speaking a strange mix of English, French and whatever the language is that they speak in the most boring Ring of Hell (I always get my Rings of Hell mixed up), “Celine” Dion  — as this attack is more popularly known as — shocked and awed us in the 1990s. The battle reached a fever pitch in 1998 when, despite the best we could throw at her, Dion taunted us by declaring that, no matter what we did, her heart, would indeed, go on. And on. And on.

We eventually reached a settlement (we refused to call it a surrender), where Dion took possession of the American territory of Las Vegas from 2003 to 2007. As of this writing, the area still is being rehabilitated, and hopefully will be fit for repopulation by the spring of 2010.

While we were battling the Dion WMD, though, Canada was already planning it’s next, most devastating attack. While there were, for the most part, ways to avoid Dion if one looked hard enough, our “friends” to the North were developing something in Alberta that would be inescapable. Total annihilation, the likes we haven’t seen since the twin attacks of disco music and CB-lingo in the 1970s.

They first surfaced, for the majority of the American populace, in 2001, with the song “How You Remind Me,” straight, bland, middle of the road rock. It just sits there, music with a beat that you don’t care if your parents here. Then another single was launched. Then another. And another. Many people didn’t realize that all this bland “rock” was the same band, figuring that NO ONE BAND could be plain, insipid and trite. Well, that’s where we underestimated them. Canada had now developed the technology to make music utterly devoid of soul, and they were willing to use it.

Their latest attack — and most devastating, in my opinion — is entitled “If Today Was Your Last Day.” The song is a collection of clichés. Seriously. It’s just one cliché after the other, set to what I think is the same tune all their songs are set to, and then it’s over. Until it starts again — and it will start again.

Let’s consult lyrics.net, and examine the attack in detail. The first verse:

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

Okay. By my count, that’s five clichés in five lines (and the first line doesn’t count, as it’s setting up what is to come later, by framing the song as a “friend’s” advice. I believe the friend in question is Satan, because that would explain ever so much).

The chorus goes on to preach:

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

I believe there are at least 25 pieces of Hallmark “advice” in this song, and that’s conservative. So, the question is, who is actually buying this crap? The album that spawned this single, “All the Right Reasons” has sold 7,163,130 copies in the US as of June 13, 2009. WHO’S DOING THIS? Are grandparents buying them as graduation or birthday presents and giving them to children who politely force a smile and say “Gee, thanks, Gran,” and then never open it, or try to sell it with the shrink wrap still firmly in place?

We’re not done yet, though. There are ways to survive this:

1.    If you are buying this, STOP IT.
2.    If you receive a Nickleback CD for a present, say from a grandmother who doesn’t know any better, politely refuse and explain why. If this same grandmother buys you another Nickleback CD on another occasion, take it and strike her in the face, repeatedly. Harsh, yes, but this is war, and she’s proven to be a liability during wartime.

Those are individual actions. On the “Nickelback” entry on Wikipedia.org, we learn how to combat Canada’s latest superweapon by banding together:

“In 2004, Nickelback were playing at a heavy metal music festival in Portugal when the crowd started throwing debris at the stage. Front man Chad Kroeger put down his guitar and announced on the microphone, ‘Have we got any Nickelback fans in Portugal?’ As this resulted in only a minimal positive response, he added, ‘Are you sure? Up to you. You guys wanna hear some rock ‘n’ roll or you wanna go home?’ Kroeger then turned around and he was hit by an object in the back of the head. He then said ‘See you,’ before leaving the stage with the finger raised. The recording of the incident was referenced by CTV Television Network, who noted, ‘A YouTube clip shows the band storming off stage in Portugal after being pelted with rocks and water bottles. The video has been viewed almost two million times’.”

So, my friends, we must follow the path of our Portuguese allies — whenever Chad Kroeger is seen, he must be pelted until he and his band scurry back across the border. Then we must seal the border. With any luck, Nickleback will reach critical mass there, instead of here (there HAS to be a greatest “hits” album in the tubes, ready for launch), and we’ll be able to claim what will remain of Canada in 12 to 15 years (the half-life of bad, middle of the road, generic rock and roll).